First and Foremost
by A lost lily
Summary: Narcissa has been waiting for this day for what feels like forever. Now Lucius will be released, but is it really going to solve anything, or will it create even more problems for her?
1. Chapter 1

She always imagined that seeing Lucius freed would be the end to all of her troubles. When she would venture out into Diagon Alley, her blonde head held high, and the public would snear at her, she would remember that she was Narcissa Malfoy and that when her husband was cleared all would be as it should be and those laughing at her now would be scum beneath her feet. When the ministry came poking around to try to find a trace of evidence linking her to Voldemort, she let her icy composure stand and reminded herself that someday soon Lucius would return to wipe these disgusting creatures off of the face of the earth.

But it was at night that the trouble came. She would put it off for as long as she could, have an extra glass of white wine in the library, write letters to old acquaintances, scribble her thoughts in her diary, anything to put off the inevitable task of going to her empty bed. It seemed too large now that it was just her, too cold now that Lucius's powerful presence wasn't there to warm the expensive sheets. Reluctantly she would undress, her eyes locked on the spot where his place should be. Her robes would pool at her feet as she stared at HIS pillow, HIS blankets, HIS sheets. She would imagine him there, concentrating so hard that she could almost hear the soft way he used to breathe in his sleep. Ignoring her usual bedtime rituals she had taken to crawling in bed immediately and shutting her eyes tight, fearful that if she opened them she would see what was and not what should have been.

"Goodnight Darling." She would whisper every night, as though he was laying beside her and could hear every word.

She would dream. She would see Lucius striding toward the manor, his impenetrable cold mask slipping off of his face at the sight of her. She would feel his arms wrapped around her, experience their strength and power and know that she was where she belonged once more…and the she would wake, and face the empty bed, and cry. She would wipe her tears dry, her vulnerable blue eyes turning icy and numb, and remind herself that when Lucius was released all would be well again.

Then one day, Narcissa's world fell apart. She was sitting in the library, wondering how to pass alone, when a small white owl came flying in. She recognized the bird immediately, it belonged to one of the wives of the death eaters. She sighed, wondering if there had been some attack she had not known about last night, if anyone she knew had been hurt.

But it was no ordinary correspondence, or even a sad letter containing the death of a friend. No, this was a howler.

Narcissa Malfoy was used to receiving howlers. She had received quite a few over her lifetime, but never, not once, from a woman who she considered to be a friend. Almost in a daze she opened it.

"HOW DARE YOU! YOU ALLOW YOUR HUSBAND TO BE A COWARD WHEN OTHERS ARE DYING. _DYING._ HAVE YOU NO PRIDE? HAVE YOU NO SPINE? MARK MY WORDS NARCISSA MALFOY I WILL SEE YOU RUINED."

She blinked. What had brought on such a verbal assault, particularly on Lucius? Had the woman lost her mind overnight and forgotten that Lucius was locked in Azkaban? He could hardly have done anything from within those walls to warrant such an abuse on his name.

Cursing softly she noticed another owl flying toward the manor, this one unfamiliar. It wasn't the Daily Prophet, she had cancelled the Malfoy subscription to that rubbish rag ages ago, and she was about to shut it out when at the last moment she had a change of heart.

"Hurry up…" She said softly, a sense of anticipation rising as the bird got closer. "In you go."

Her hands were uncharacteristically shaking when she reached for the bird's small envelope. There was a sense of trepidation about this moment, as though something very important was about to happen. She started trembling so violently that she needed to sit when she used one of her neatly manicured nails to slit open the envelope, and only when she was seated did she remove the parchment.

She gasped.

Her husband's script, though hurried and a bit less powerful looking than before, was evident on the page. She paused for a moment, just holding the letter, letting her eyes look over the words and take in the fact that this was indeed from Lucius. Then, and only then, did she very slowly read the sparse letter.

_Darling,_

_I have made a deal with the devil, so to speak, a deal which I fear may drive you from me forever. However, I ask that you have an open mind, that you trust my judgment as you so often have before. I remain, first and foremost, your husband. Never forget that. I return home this evening, and we will discuss more then._

_Yours, _

_LM_

For what felt like forever, Narcissa stared at the letter, allowing five words to sink to the very core of her being. _I return home this evening._ So Lucius was to be freed then? Her prayers had been answered, all would be well and…

No matter how hard she tried, Narcissa felt a bit of fear come on. Somehow this was not going as it should. Lucius was fearful that she would hate him for something he had decided to do, and one of her dearest friends was sending her a howler and….

_When Lucius returns,_ She thought, a bit less sure this time, _All will be as it should be. _

She had to believe that. It was all she could do.


	2. Chapter 2

Suddenly she had to move. Narcissa practically jumped up from the chair, frantically calling house elves to her assistance. The creatures, not accustomed to her issuing so many orders (for most of the time when she was home she occupied herself with her memories) blinked numbly but when she threatened them they sprung to action. The Malfoy Manor, while still presentable to company in most of the main rooms, had fallen to a general state of disrepair without Lucius's presence. She didn't care enough to order the house elves to dust the furniture in the rooms that she didn't use, and most of them were too afraid of her family to risk taking initiative. No more. She wouldn't have Lucius returning home to anything less than perfection.

With the house elves busy tending to the house, she turned her attention to herself. She made her way to the mirror on her vanity, studying her reflection critically. She looked tired. That much couldn't be helped, as she hadn't slept well since Lucius was captured. Her eyes were cooler, more wary of the world at large than ever before. She had to trust that that would change as well when Lucius taught her how to smile again.

Smile. Merlin but it had been forever since she had done that. It was so easy when it had been the two of them or she and Draco, to smile. She had had a hundred different smiles then, a million. Lucius once teased her that she even smiled at him when she was angry, though he said it reminded him of a she-lion barring her teeth. Then they'd make up and he'd tuck her hair behind her ears and she'd moan so low it sounded like a soft feline purr.

Narcissa shook her head. She had to stop living in the past. That was how she survived without Lucius, blocking out the current day and feeding on the past pleasures, but now that he was returning she too had to return to the present. Hastily she brushed her hair, leaving it down because she knew her husband liked it. Next she stepped out of her gown, the gray one that matched her disposition since Lucius's imprisonment, and changed her lingerie for the black ones that Lucius had gotten her for his last Christmas as a free man. After debating on which gown to wear she settled on a blue one she had been planning on wearing to a gala with Lucius shortly before he was captured.

Her hand flew to her mouth as a strangled sob came out. Now that he was coming home, it was hitting her harder than ever how much he had missed, how much she had missed him.

"No." She said the word audibly, and was appalled at her shaking voice. It was now nearly three. Lucius could come home at any moment and here she was crying and falling to pieces. She would be strong for her husband, she would be his powerful wife, she would…

She would be all of those things just as soon as she could breathe. It took her ten minutes to make her breaths come in their normal pattern rather than the ragged cadence of tears, and then she wiped her face. In a daze, she repaired her grief's damage, clearing away the tear marks, putting on a hint of makeup, and composing her face into neutrality.

"Mistress…" She turned sharply, startled. Her personal house elf, a timid thing named Teensy, was standing just to her right, wringing a dirty wash rag in her hands, clearly afraid of earning her wrath. "Teensy and Twink finished cleaning the kitchen…" Narcissa nodded, cutting off the house elf. She trusted that the creatures were frightened enough of her and Lucius to obey.

"That will be all Teensy." She blinked, surprised at how much like her old self she sounded. She felt so out of control, like a child playing at being a grown up. This was all going all wrong, but that didn't matter. Lucius was coming home. He'd fix it all.

Before she could dismiss Teensy another elf appeared, this one looking even more terrified than the first. "Mistress…Master Lucius. Master Lucius has returned."

"Where?" She demanded, wide eyed and suddenly unprepared. She had been waiting for this for so long, and yet suddenly it seemed that she didn't have enough time to prepare, that she should do a million thing before seeing him again.

"Blink just saw him walking from the apparition boundary."

Acting on instinct and not on rational thought, a luxury she allowed herself so infrequently, she ran. Narcissa Malfoy, lady of Malfoy Manor, previously Narcissa Black, youngest daughter of the most ancient and noble house of Black, hitched up her skirts and raced down the stairs and out of the manor.

And then she saw him. She froze, wondering if it was a dream, a hallucination. He continued to walk toward her, looking every inch the same man he had been before, save for the tight worried line of his lips and the apprehension in his eyes. He should be smiling, they both should, but that was a minor detail. He was here now, alive and whole and all was well.

Except that it wasn't. The hard lines of resolve on his face frightened her. Never had he looked so closed to her before. "Narcissa.." His voice sounded hoarse, as though he hadn't used it much recently. Mentally she began thinking of potions, honeyed tea, anything to fix that and distract her from the matter at hand. "Come…we have much to discuss."

As her hand settled in its rightful place in the crook of Lucius's elbow, she got the feeling that this wasn't right at all. Somehow she knew that he was about to drop a bombshell, one that would change her life forever, and there was little she could do other than hang on, keep up her strong neutral mask, and pray for the return of normalcy.

Lucius was home. That had to be a good beginning at the very least. Didn't it?


	3. Chapter 3

They didn't talk until they reached the manor. When they did reach the stately house, Narcissa quickly removed the shabby coat that reeked of prison. It had clearly been provided by Azkaban and Narcissa would have none of the remnants of that place remaining on her husband. While he stood in the entryway she ordered a house elf to fetch one of his own sets of robes and to burn the ones that he was in now in addition to the offending coat. She also ordered another to fetch them both some tea and an assortment of Lucius's favorite snacks. So long as she distracted herself with chores and necessary tasks she wouldn't have to think about Lucius's ominous warning.

When Lucius was once more in his normal attire, she let out a small sigh of relief. This was all coming together so easily. Though Lucius was thinner than he had been when he left, he didn't look to be on death's door, and he appeared to still be in his normal state of mind. That much was as it should be.

She handed him his tea, and gently pulled him to the couch. The house elves, on alert by his mere presence in the house, had set up the refreshments just as she had bade them to, and it all looked so normal that Narcissa was tempted to forget that the past few years had indeed happened.

"Narcissa." He sat his tea down, looking imploringly at her. She knew that he was going to start talking and spring some huge bombshell on her and just as she had once put off returning to her empty bed, she was going to try and avoid this as long as possible. It was better to live a fantasy than face the fact that her life may still be in shambles.

"Drink your tea, darling." She took a small sip of hers as well, trying to think of some excuse, any, to put the inevitable off. "You need to rest. We can always talk later."

"Narcissa…" he tried again, having to clear his throat after saying her name this time. It was obvious to her now that there might be damage that her eyes couldn't see. Perhaps he was suffering from a cold, or even worse, some disease that the filthy prison had likely given him.

"Lucius," She interrupted, pushing the tea closer. "You don't sound well. Just eat for me now, love, and then we'll get you bathed and off to bed. I don't want you falling ill."

He paused for a moment at the quiet desperation in her voice. Her eyes were the only part of her hinting at her distress, for while her face was as composed as usual her eyes were pleading with him, begging him to stay well, to put off telling her something that she knew would hurt her.

"I can't."

It was a small statement, but one that shattered her composure. Shakily putting her own teacup down, Narcissa scooted closer to him on the sofa. He wrapped an arm around her and pressed his lips to her forehead. This was how it should be. They shouldn't be sitting stiffly and having civilized conversations at a time like this. When concealed behind the strong walls of their own home they had always been passionate towards one another, nothing like the cool shells that they presented to the public. Lucius knew that now was the time that he had to tell her just what he had agreed to, when she was drawing comfort from his form next to her.

"The prison walls are not so thick as one would think." He began quietly. He coughed then, a sound that drew a panicked whimper from her, but the cough was brief and then he continued. "I heard murmurs of what was going on in the outside world from the guards, and a few months ago I found out what had happened to Draco and Snape."

Narcissa closed her eyes, burying her face in his neck. To this day she still had no idea where her son was, how he had fared. That might have killed her, had she not lived in denial. Her only solace these long months was the fact that she never believed that she had lost all she held dear. She had stubbornly, defiantly, held on to the hope that she'd wake up one day and find her family restored to its former glory.

Lucius stroked her hair. He always hated to see her hurting but he had to go on. "I had a choice to make, my darling. I could sit behind the walls of that prison and be stoic, let you and Draco fall into harm's way, or I could imagine a way out. And so I did just that. I did what everyone in the public was expecting, and I turned sides."

The slight pause in his monologue gave her enough space to digest that importantly last phrase. She quickly drew back, tearstained eyes wide with disbelief as she just stared, barely breathing as she waited for him to continue. Narcissa couldn't have heard him correctly. Her husband would never…could never…

Narcissa wanted him to stop. She didn't want to face the truth of what the circumstances had brought them to, but just as she opened her mouth to tell him that she could bear no more, he continued. "In exchange for a large sum of money, a guarantee of my freedom, and Draco's pardon should he ever be captured, I pledged my support to the order. Of course, none of that is public knowledge. That I am now free is a widely circulated fact, however, the details have been kept under wraps. It's exactly what they expect of me, they all consider me…us…our entire family, to be weak. However, what they do not know is that I have also pledged my support to the Dark Lord."

The shock on Narcissa's face before gave way to an understanding. Lucius was playing a dangerous game of double and perhaps triple cross. He had pledged his loyalty to the order to free himself and their son and yet in order to keep their options open he had also agreed to once more follow their lord.

"Neither side trusts me, that is to be expected, and to tell you the truth, my darling, I've not yet decided which side, if any, holds my loyalty." Gently he reached out to wipe at a few of the earlier tears, and, to her surprise, she let him. "What I do know after so long away is that my most dominant loyalty is, and always will be, to you and Draco. I will do what I must to ensure that the two of you are safe."

They both knew what was at stake. Generations of Blacks and Malfoys had held tradition and their allegiance to the pure ways above all, even above family, and what he was proposing was something new entirely. Would they, could they, live with themselves if they were social pariahs? What if they were destitute and had to associate with Weasleys? Was their survival really worth that?

No. No, it wasn't. Nothing was worth degrading their fine names and heritage, nothing was worth contaminating her family, her name with mudbloods and Muggle born filth, or letting Draco fall in love with some filthy Muggle as Andy had all those years ago and…

Draco. Yes, there was one thing on the earth worth more than all the others. One thing that she would lower herself to the most base means for, one thing which she would give up anything, even her most vain pride in her name and reputation. Her son was the most dear thing in the word to her. He was the perfect combination of Lucius's ambition and her own quiet strength. He was the culmination of all of her dreams and hopes and he was in danger. For him she would do anything.

"Oh Lucius…" She gently put her cheek on his chest, listening to the quiet heartbeat. She was incapable of further speech with everything so unfamiliar, but she knew that if they were to get through this, they were to do it together.

Now that he was free, they could face the world.

To A Nonny Mouse (clever name by the way), and AriannaMalfoy, thank you. Your reviews have meant the world to me.ss


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